Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Season's Eatings (yeah, I know, but it's the Food Network™ I'm writing about...)

Now that Thanksgivening is just a stale turkey sandwich away from refluxive memory, and the wild capitalist Carnival of Objective Self-Indulgence known as ¢hri$nukkanzaa looms large upon the anticipated online billing screen, I turn to the people with whom I most like to share the holidays: The contracted wisks and egos who smile back at me from The Food Network.

Separated At BirthThe Once and Future Bumble: Mario Batali

The first time I saw Mario Batali, I thought he was a guy I had gone to school with. Really, my sophomore year, the guy across the hall was this nine foot-tall, 300lb+, blonde Italian guy from Mankato MN somebody had named Windigo, but I thought he looked more like the Bumble from Rudolph and that moniker stuck. You know: "Bumbles bounce..." Marco (really, that was his name) turned out to be a great friend, if only for his choice of beverages and smokes. Yes, that hearty Border Waters Bluegrass.
M. Batali, on the other hand, has left The Food Network. Sort of. In fact, he left about 2 months ago when they tossed his Italocentric Molto Mario and Ciao America shows, both of which featured Big Red calmly serving up carefully-prepared and correctly-pronounced culinary dish. It was rumored that they'd tossed him from Iron Chef America, too. He still appears in promos, so he can't be that no-longer-Iron. And over the last week, they were running him getting pawed at by Rachael Ray on the two year-old special "Cranberry Challenge" episode of ICA. Is it really back to the wife's Michigan dairy farm for you, Mario? Do not pass 'Go," do not step on Emeril -- who's been smarting from the recent boot too. You read right: Fall River's favorite son, Emeril Lagasse has uttered his last BAM! Now that FN is the new MTV, you can't have Andy Griffith and Danny Thomas taking up the time we need for Who Wants To Eat The Survivor 3.

I'm Getting Cleavage for ¢hri$nukkanzaa

It's difficult to imagine FN without Giada and the girls. Yummy disaster-movie heiressI mean, the other girls on the rest of The Food Network. You know, Rachael and Ingrid and Nigella and Sandra the ChefILFs. (Well, not so much Rachael, since she's built like the guy who ran into me at third base during the softball playoffs senior year.) But as we consider the fascinating immigration stories of someone named Hoffman and the reason why a woman of Giada's wealth can't find a shirt that doesn't show 60% of her chest, How's your linguini?we find there are a few requisites to being a ChefILF on FN:
  1. Make sure there's something you can't pronounce and be certain to use it in everything you cook. (Ingrid called Simply Delicioso. Yeah, I was just thinking that."Worcestershire sauce," so maybe you can have "mascarpone.")
  2. When you use something that you can pronounce, give it a cute abridgement or abbreviation. (But remember: you will be fined and possibly fired if you say "E.V.O.O." Little §%&#! is rolling that big a set.) I'm evil. My collander is evil. Stop looking at the evil!
  3. But don't abbreviate the thing you can't pronounce. That defeats the purpose.
  4. Make sure you get at least one shot at an exotic overnight food travel show. There must be a shot of you to use in random promos that shows you in a loose man's shirt, tight halter or sporty lingerie while sucking something out of a shell or large botanically-improbable straw.
  5. Sponsored by Glaxo-SmithKline
  6. If they don't give you the travel show, just pour some booze into something unlikely like cilantro/vegetable stock or thinly-sliced pancetta and call it a "chat-starter" or "whistle-wettener" or "panty-dropper." Go ahead. We're heading that way anyhow.


katie said...

Thanks for the laugh, PJ! I really dislike emoticons, but this is the case where a big smiley face might suffice.

ChefILF - good stuff.

krycek said...

the cursor captions on the pictures are funny too

Dr. Momentum said...


That's imitatable!

ThirdMate said...

"Imitatable"? I'm "sincerely flatterable."