Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Gone to the polls
at the corner of April and Fools

While the Benevolent and Wise Protector of the Former Troy, Bob "Bob" Abradewheeze, shares the love with fellow Republican Sharif Tommy Hodgson and unveils his new "If you kids can't Take Pride and keep your stuff off the driveway, I'll get slaves do it City Wide!" campaign which should guarantee that none of the residents ever lift a finger to keep their city tidy, my fellow citizens are taking full and celebratory advantage of the confluence of April and Fools to vote special in Dartmouth.
The full rig of this go'round differs from the last. You may remember way back in July, voters were asked to vote YES or NO on the question "Should property owners pay $342 extra this year to ensure that Dartmouth can keep basic services like trash removal, street lighting, and education?" (It may have been worded differently on more than half of the voters' ballots, because they bafflingly voted NO.) The voters prepared for that "Proposition 2½ Override Question" by acrimoniously calling each other names and putting color-coded signs on each others' lawns (red for NO and green for YES). Because we value tradition so much here in Droughtmouth, that Override was defeated.
This time, the ballot offers questions designed to make voters feel like they're making significant changes in town budget policies. Described as "à la carte" in order to ward off voters who don't like the French, it is actually the best way for people to pretend they've researched the ballot, giving them even more to rant about. There's really no "choice" involved in the Town Offices section, except for the obvious selection of the good candidate and rejection of the evil one. The à la carte Override Ballot, unfortunately, provided some challenges to the sign-addicted, as the Vote YES On 1, 5, and 7 signs were allegedly vandalized at the shop by the Support 2 and 4 people. And then there was some confusion this morning when someone asked to vote NO on Barry Walker.
Speaking of which... According to the same people who successfully plunged the town into chaos last time, that sneaky Selectmanboard is attempting, by using this confusing "YES/NO" scheme, to fool the voters into voting for continued mayhem caused by the only town government in Massachusetts whose members have been forced (by this same sinister cabal of community members spurred by the groups' paranoid distrust of grooming, meetings, and politicians) to submit to spinal taps, metal rake gauntlets, and lie detectors prior to and following each meeting. State and national regulatory agencies, economists, political scholars, and even Ben Stein, have all mentioned and praised the precise order, oversight, and perfect symmetry achieved in the governance of Dartmouth, but some people won't have any of that.
These Traditionalists believe "that if there's never been an override, we don't need one now." Some do like the new à la carte menu procedure because it allows them to vote NO seven times more than the last ballot. Although some I spoke with at the polls this morning admitted that they had voted YES on the Mixed Green Salad.
And, as always, it's fun to see what people are wearing since, for the most part, I only see them wandering around their gardens in their housefrocks. On a rainy day like today, we get to see who's wearing Helly Hansen and who's wearing Carhartts.
And those numbers will probably tell the story. We'll see.

UPDATE: The Nitwits have decided to toss the Captain off in the middle of the crisis, fund cops and old people and roadkill but not pay for the maintenance of their buildings, keep the library (however roofless) but make the kids pay for their parking and after-school sports and music, and not put any money into the town's stabilization fund.
But we get our street lights back.
So, the new house search steps up. Some great deals on cozy bungalows in New Beige.
At least they have a Mayor.

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