Friday, May 23, 2008

Soles'n'Bowls

  • I'm sure everyone knows that Bahston Accent that's so readily lampooned by those who've never had to deal with it on a daily basis. Yes, there are people who actually do say, "Pahk th cah." Har har. Re-e-al funny.
  • But the SouthCoast has a whole bunch of bizarre speech impediments that seem to be replacing actual pronunciations.
  • Some people think that the media causes this. Sure, Emeril LaGasse was "from" Faw Rivvah, but his affected speech pattern and faked pronunciations are not what I'm talking about. Except that most big shots around here are so weak-minded that they, too, affect weird speech patterns and ...
  • ... try to sound like Emeril. But Emeril is moving to the "Fine Living" network -- which will be the first teevee network to be violently torched when the angry gasoline-deprived mobs no longer want televised kosher cilantro-mango-blowfish recipe production numbers.
  • The Bahston thing tends to drop the ultimate 'r' or convert it to an 'ah,' but here in the SouthCoast, you can add that 'r' anywhere. If there are no open vowels at the end of a word available for your phonetic gift, just add it to any 'r' that you do choose to pronounce.
  • WARNING: This tends to make you sound a little ... effete, but a lot of rich people do it, so maybe you'll be mistaken for one. Go ahead and "Pahk th cahrr."
  • But don't make it sound like a Scottish burr. That's putting on airs.
  • The new one that curdles in my ear is final 'o' pronounced as the dipththong 'ow.' If I hear one more person say "sow" when they mean to say "so," I will urge them back to the pig farm on which they were obviously raised.
  • Another sound that makes people sound particularly precious is the 'tew.' "Too," "to," and "two" are just suffering from the spasms language endures as it cleanses. Sure, you can shift our vowels, myn vreondeman Meister Chaucer, but did you ever think that IMing would reduce "too" to "2"? Or that "to" would replace "too," "2," "two," in all online communications?
  • Or that some people would insist upon pronouncing that "to" as "tew"?
  • Never let it be said that I'm the mate who complains without offering solace and solutions. Observe:

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