Wednesday, July 9, 2008

My make-believe "liferaft" has better Clip-Art™

Every now and again, a friend will hail me with news of a lovely piece of real estate newly on the market. Since I am always looking for a deal, a laugh, or a shorter walk to a dock, I'll follow the scent.
Since the cathartes (vultures, if you won't click) that deal in so-called "real" estate are acquaintances, I know that they cannot help themselves but to put their listings (or "ads") in any cheap, ethically-malleable tabloid with meaningless filler written by eager freelancers who are happy to get paid in free copies of the issue because their work is on the page facing a sports bar ad with a bosomy model.
Yes, it's that ugly little magazine that dare not speak its name -- even on what appears to be its own website -- because of possible lawsuits from the brewers of a major component of an Alabama Slammer. Out of its terrible Twos, the publication is crapper-diving into its third year of defacing the local literary scene, all the while insisting that "EVerybody says great things" about it. And enough people must fall for that line of bull -- "oh, print is making a huge come-back, and the pictures are so pretty" -- because the magazine is loaded with full-page real estate ads. And the full page ad for the Zeiterion. And the full-page ad for that place that keeps changing its name. But there's also full-page ads for the business owned by the guy who crapped the first edition out. I wonder if each advertiser gets the same rate card.

Anagrams are fun. This guy, not so much.I cannot reprint the musings of the artist pictured above, because I'm sure that'll cause some litigation, so I have altered the header. And changed the name. If that really is his name. There are other pages full of conservahrrea (thanks, James) but nobody signs those. But I feel a disturbing familiarity with that guy. At least he has a byline. If that's his real name. The guy who writes To Hurl In A Hard Bucket, I mean. I have, however, recognized his image since he first started belching up his unsavory sputum with that victimized libertarian stench. (Oh, and in this issue, he's made up a fable about a strawman sailor who survives months at sea by dreaming that he's Ayn Rand and then suddenly turns into John McCain or something. I'm not really sure what the hell this twit was going on about, because my eyes start rolling to the Letters page when the vague sea survival story didn't have any names, age, date, body of water, details of diet, actual number of occupants of the lifeboat, and stuff like that.)
But then, it came to me. On my very own Interwebs Services Distributor's News page, which usually has zany headlines impossibly situated ("Jesse Helms Dead at 86" right next to "Christina Applegate mourns boyfriend" ). But there he is, right there with some flack from's ideas about "empl;oyment" in The New Depression, Our "John Aches," with a sadly dysfunctional erectile over his shoulder: Another victim of identity theft
Now, either this guy is a writer-and-headache model with pathetic rhetorical skills, or somebody's got some splainin' to do.
At least to the clipart guys.


Dr. Momentum said...

Always glad to lend a word to fill that awful gap.

BTW, nice catch. BTW, I think I saw that same graph somewhere... Now I remember. It was the a graph of the modern conservative movement's relevance.

Dr. Momentum said...

BTW, I seem to be stuttering.

Anonymous said...

We in neue beige enjoy your wit...I have yet to hurl on the most recent edition of 'psycho'; I look fwd to its "tart fart" BS.

I cant stand that suffix added to NB..wait and see port.


ThirdMate said...

The problem with the Pendulum of Politics is that it never swings hard enough to knock anybody out.

(BTW, the Google™ page for "conservarrhea" is GROWING.)

Hey, Anonymous, thnx fr climbing abrd!