Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Congratulations (enter yachties' names here) !!1!

Marion MASSACHUSETTS! Not Marion Davies!By the time you read this (if my experience withGoogle Reader is any indicator of when you'll get to read this: tomorrow), the 2009 Marion-to-Bermuda Cruising Yacht Race will be a flickering spray of Gosling's-spattered memories for some happy boatniks who took part in what they will surely remember as a monotonous series of Gulf Stream swell-induced queasies with a mock hero's welcome at the end, where Hamilton eateries fling open their doors to sell hamburgers at $35 a pop, and eager flight-weary family members pour Dark'n'Stormies down their throats. As if they couldn't get them here.
Well, maybe it's true: Gosling's might taste better on The Rock.
My only advice is this: Although it is a product of Bermuda, DO NOT DRINK BACARDI RUM.
Or, at least, don't buy any. Because I will never forgive them for this ad that they ran last year:So, where's the ugly one?Some people don't drink alcohol. The fact that some do and it apparently sometimes leads to advertisements of this nature should give us all pause as we belly up to our favorite trough -- alcohol or no.
Speaking of bad advertising, there are some guileless wretches who may have impressed themselves in design class at the community college annex and, desperate for recognition and narcissistic to the point of delusion, have opened up what appear to be special education marketing firms in order to grab a piece of the eclipsing public relations rats' nest here on the SouthCoast. In the Southcoast. In Southcoast. Whatever.
Recently, I gandered a peek at this horrible attempt at self-promotion through "blogging" and had to pull out the big red marker that obviously no other human had ever used during these imbeciles' matriculatory ordeals. In the name of proper apostrophes everywhere, I made the few red marks that you see. Remember, this is from their "company" blog, which is linked on their "company" website (which also has spelling and grammar errors) and from Facebook, Twitter, and probably on placemats in the local diner. Mr.Dorfman? Zero point two. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Mr. Hoover, president of Delta house? One point six; four C's and an F. A fine example you set! Daniel Simpson Day HAS no grade point average. All courses incomplete. Mr. Blutarsky ... ZERO POINT ZERO!And they actually have clients.


karie said...

As a result of this mean-spirited and ill-conceived "Ugly Chic" marketing campaign I will have to think twice before drinking Bacardi again. I am sorry for Bermuda that one of their companies has been making such poor promotional choices.

And regarding the supposed "rebranding" that piece of writing was supposed to accomplish for a business... clearly, it is rebranded as "DUMB," as in "DUH." The bar (no pun intended, if the business is the one I think it is) seems to not only have been consistently lowered, but these people have dropped it on the floor.

Your red comments, however, are hilarious!

ThirdMate said...

For years, I've said: "Oh, I'm probably being too critical of the new developments in marketing."

I've tacked over to "I spent thousands of dollars and thousands of days learning the right and accepted and expected way to do things, and these slack-jawed aliterate hipsters think that they're being cool or edgy and they're just spilling their crappy beer on actual art and wearing their vulgar T-shirts to meetings with grownups who are too afraid to correct these opportunistic finger-painters."

But The Beach -- particularly the SouthCoast, with its mortifying lack of standards -- is a safe haven for these ignorant lazy unfriendly brats and their empty-headed slogans and bad color choices and accidents of typography and addled layouts and discombobulated communications skills and inability to comprehend irony without pictures.